RaNdOm BullArCkY

The G word evokes the F bomb

2010-03-14T16:59:00.002-05:00

So folks it appears yours truly will be a grandma is 71/2 or so months...

Hmm.. Me?
After the shock and a couple bottles of vodka I am starting to make peace with this. Even feel that twinge of excitement. It is also the the same twinge that makes me feel old in foul swoop. How does this transition come without the big climax (mine not hers. We're not talking about that one.. Eww) but that of such a huge life changing event that happens quietly and swiftly but hits you so hard you would think you had just been donkey punched by Juan Valdez. That moment in which you realize that the days of your youth have been passed on to the next. Like the torch of madness that is motherhood and your days of sugaring the little shit up until it's being peeled off the ceiling have JUST begun.. Paybacks a bitch missy ;D

Yeah pretty cool..
But scaary as hell.

Joose Blues

2010-03-05T10:26:00.011-06:00

Has anyone heard of this shit? In my personal opinion it should be banned. My little story starts out like this....

Last night my 18 year old daughter came home after drinking some of these. I was almost asleep on the couch when I heard her yelling "Springer" style at her fiance. So..

I get up to see what all the racket is about and she can barely stand up. Her fiance' Hunter is trying to make his escape for the night but she goes to swinging, yelling and pulling his hair. He hugs me and apologizes profusely because apparently he knows what this crap does to her.

In my mom way I tell her to calm down, but that just infuriated her to the point she attacks me. (Mind you she is quit a bit bigger than my little scrawny ass). I guess that pissed me off because before I knew it I had her down and punched her. I am not a violent person. I hate it with a passion..

She managed to get a hold of my hair and it took me and my 14 yr old son 20 minutes to get her hands off. I still have the knot to prove it. Every time I would let her up she attacked again. Finally my son called her fiance' to come help. We all had to hold her until finally out of desperation we tied her hands and feet together. Sounds cruel, but she was hallucinating and calling out to people that weren't even here.

Now if this stuff can provoke people to blackout violence, Do you think it's safe?!!

I don't think so..

Even the FDA has threatened to ban it

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joose

Something has to be done about this. If you literally have to restrain someone after they drink it then somethings very wrong. She has no memory about last nights events.

I am going to post a couple of videos of the event, (she's yelling at me) and it is graphic so beware. This will clearly illustrate why it is so dangerous. We need to get this off the shelves for the safety of our children who have made it very popular.

Who quits their job in this economy?

2010-03-04T09:54:00.002-06:00

ME!!!

I am in a place I havent been in quite awhile. If stress at your job becomes so big and your paychecks bounce I guess it's time to move on. But where? Now I begin this fantastic voyage that is job hunting. EH..
But what am I doing currently? Blogging.
Somehow I seem to be lost and don't know where to start. I feel like I just walked into a hoarders house and have been told to clean it.

Which by the way.. I have.
My 18 year old just moved herself, her boyfriend and they're 3 dogs and a bird right back home with Mama.
Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

These people are complete pigs and have managed to move their filth into the land of OCD. Overwhelmed does not describe it..
Why did I let this happen??

Cuz I'm Stoopid

Day One NYC or why You could get killed riding a train to Brooklyn

2010-03-01T10:21:00.009-06:00

We started our journey at the famous Waldorf Astoria. While it is a beautiful place save your money because nothing cheap in this joint. The room was nice but it looked directly at another row of windows so seemed very Rear Windowish.. Thank God for binoculars!

The part that got our goat so to speak was " The Continental Breakfast"...

First off some asian guy said " You sit here" in that oh soo Manhattan tone of get out of here you redneck piece of swine. "The Breakfast" consisted of random muffins, pastries, cheese and fruit. Nothing spectacular.. You know regular shit. We were self pleased and sastiated with their offerings until the bill came...

$89.00 Motherf*^ing dollars. Welcome to the Waldorf you texan retards. Enjoy your soon to be poverty..

<----- This now what I think of the Waldork Astoria Extortionist Pigs. Hope I clogged your plumbing.

We then wandered Central park which is heaven in the middle of chaos. The views are simply breathtaking and until you see it with your own eyes you cannot understand the magic that it is. For once I was pretty speechless. For a moment.

I found the New York Public Library across the way and had to have a look. The arcitecture alone draws me in like a pee brained moth to the flame. I was not disappointed. The attention paid to every detail was simply amazing. They certainly do not care about craftsmanship anymore. It was then I started to understand the magnitude of this city.

Deciding we were really hot shit here we decided to brave the subway system. This is why tourists get killed in Harlem. We hoped on what we thought was the train to Coney Island. The farther we got on it we realized the error of our ways. The crowd got rougher and rougher looking until finally we were the looking like a couple of white targets. When the looks start looking at your cameras and purses, the sweats set in. At Euclid ave, in central Brooklyn we got off the sub and turned our happy asses around and headed back uptown. Which turns out to really look safe after surviving the Euclid Deathtrap. Were's my fuggin' t-shirt?

Almost dying built a substantial hunger so we found a great spot for Bar B-Que called Dave Brown's Steak House. They have a sauce called Devils Brew. It was not an exaggeration, but extremely worthy of suffering the fall out that comes they next time you use the can..

Central Park Views

2010-03-01T09:50:00.007-06:00

New York City bound..

2010-02-21T16:56:00.004-06:00

By this time tomorrow folks we will be in the Big Apple!! That's New York fucking City!

This has been a dream that I never thought would happen in a million years. Not only am I going to experience all the sites, sounds, and smells( awe the smells) but I get to see it with the one person who makes me feel like I am worth seeing it with. I can't say enough about the boy.. What I can say is Remarkable. The one person who embodies all the qualities I thought could never be combined into one being indeed does exist and he is mine. Thank you for being you and loving me. Though the past has been filled with turmoil and pain, you were walking it too hand in hand on a different plane. I owe you my existence..

I've abandoned the one thing I...

2010-02-18T15:11:00.003-06:00

Loved so much, SO I'm Baaaaack! Suck it

I have a whole new life, same attitude and I am gonna take the world by the balls and make it surcome to my twisted ways!

ReDneck BRooM hA-Ha

2009-01-22T15:45:00.006-06:00

Dear Mrs. Curmudgeon,
Since dis heer elektion, I am reel skeered that the gays is gunna ruin dis heer kountry. When I turn on ma teevee all I here's bout is gay rite dis an gay rite that. Them dare queers is gunna take over and turns are kids into pidgified bone munchers. An another thing Mrs. Curmudgeon I think dat dare Obama is the anti- chirst. I heered it on da enternets dat he was. Ma cusin Myrtle told me it was on da e-male. Wat ever the hell an EMale is? Is dat one of those sisified fugde packin' things I's alwasy heres about? I am gettin reel skeered for ours future. An I's not talkin bout little skeered, i's talkin' bout a snake in yur tool belt kinda skeered. Like God must be sendin me messeges thru my tin foil beer shooter. Can you shed some lite on dis pleez Mrs. Curmugdeon?

Sinceerly,
Earl Portoplugger

P.S. Can you tell me wat a Curmudgeon iz? I thinks its one of thos dare playdoh monsteres that I saws on dat skeery show bout peeples puttin curses on da kiddies toys. Dwight sez ist one of those recipes in grannys recipee book. Kinna like a browny of someting. We kinna have dis bet. The winner has tooo shave the other on ones back hare fer a month.

Dear Mr. Portoplugger,
I can definitely see your conundrum. I cannot help in, as you say your "queers" problem. I can only assume they are here for one reason, and that is they are looking for your ripe redneck ass to plant the "bone". With all this back "hare" shaving business, I would of assumed you were happy about the arrival of "da queers". The anti Obamachrist says yes be skeered, be very skeered. He commands you to slam your pecker in your tackle box and that should save you.

P.S. Yes indeed, a curmudgeon is one of those playdoh monsters. She is buliding her playdoh fortress as we speak to shield herself from idiot rednecks who am to harm our planet with toxic beer gases.

Lymerick Shimereck..

2008-04-08T15:18:00.001-05:00

There once was a lady named Mary
Who's poot was very hairy
She scared all the fops
Who came round for a romp
and left screaming in shock.

Hardy har..

Butter nuts..

2008-03-25T11:06:00.004-05:00

Sorry for the absence of late. My job got hectic crazy and I am so creatively pooped out. Have taken some pics though and have been getting back into the swing of things.

XOXOXOXOXO-

Dani

new

2008-01-09T08:49:00.000-06:00

the light from above
a new years star
high in zenith
shines

new world to see
new hope to behold
glistens
in a black sky

shimmers down
dances upon her face
soft white light
star light
silver and gold warmth

her new year
her new world
her hope

hope...

I'm dreaming...

2007-12-24T20:08:00.000-06:00

Of a WHITE CHRISTMAS!!!

Merry Christmas to you all..

Kids Love Saint Nick... right?

2007-12-17T13:36:00.000-06:00

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year's gifts.

2007-12-11T09:44:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking alot. I know scary..

It is almost Christmas.

I layed (correct my grammar here) on my ass last night just like the one before and have yet to even remotely begin to Christmas shop. Damn commercialization of the world! If I see another Gawd-damned Zales journey diamond pendant commercial I will jump thru the t.v. and strangle that bitch myself for having such an enchanted life..

BAH_FUCKING_ HUMBUG

Commercials either need to mimic life or life needs to mimic commercials. Either way, we won't all be disappointed when we don't get a miracle Sears-mas.

I want to see Commercials about what people really get-
* As Myrtle unwraps her AB Roller / Deep Fryer combo. The same Sponge bob P.J's George gets every year because his dumb ass mentioned that he liked watching Sponge bob.
ONCE!!
That would make this a Christmas Miracle that this (little damned cynically being) would enjoy. Yes enjoy.. I would watch just to see they're ridiculously awkward smiles. You know the one ;)

As for me personally, I already got my gift. A ticket to Idaho to see my Gran one more time. I am most assuredly loved... :)

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

2007-12-10T15:02:00.000-06:00

Had to make a change. Friggin' Blogger wouldn't let me sign it or check my comments. Anyhoo... I will get my shit together tomorrow and post something worth while.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

On thE oTher hAnd yOu Have diffeRent fiNgers.

2007-12-05T09:03:00.001-06:00

I keep wondering when the heavy burden of it all will subside. With my Grandma being so incredibly sick, Macguffin having a heart attack due to stressing out so much about all of us, my daughter who acted like a complete bitch and fought with him after he got out of the hospital, and my boss who is in my book a complete and udder asshole for screaming in my face, I think I might just sign up for the peace corps.

Yeppers.

to be cont..

Hangin 'in dare

2007-11-17T19:16:00.000-06:00

It's been a little hectic, but ok. Grandma seems to be doing as well as she can. Today we cleaned her house and cooked for them. Grandpa even got into the act and vacuumed and dusted. Of all the damn times not to have my camera! She is really weak but perked up a bit when we sat around after dinner and exchanged funny stories about riding the amtrak. It was so nice to see her smile.

Aaaah... we LOL-ed.

Too bad when I LOL, I pee :(
Gawd-damned irrectile bladder constipation syndrome.

Being in her house still gives me that warm fuzzy feeling that if you're fortunate to have had a good Grandma, you still feel like a child. Standing in the kitchen doing the dishes, I had a view of the back yard where I played in the sprinker, swung on the willow and rescued wayward garden snakes. So, I was a weirdo. Don't judge me..
The side area where I made mad mud pies and riding Grandpa's bike all over the neighborhood. (Ask me if I didn't hurt my pootie poo on that bike a few times)
The canal I wasn't supposed to play in and the way she overlooked it anyways. Never in my life have I mourned my childhood as I do right now. If only the time machine built out of a box Grandpa brought me could transport me back to live it again, if only for a brief moment..

On my way

2007-11-13T13:59:00.000-06:00

i will be flying out in the morning to be with my Grandma. those suspicious nodules turned out to be hundreds of tumors filling her lungs. they gave her just a short amount of time left.
she is Gran, my constant, and my friend. she never forgot me even when everybody else did. i know this will be our last visit...
i'll keep ya posted.

2007-11-05T16:10:00.000-06:00

Due to the sheer exhaustion, grief and an overwhelming work load, I am stepping back briefly to play catch up. I love you all, and will check on you periodically but right now I am just overwhelmed. See you all soon...

Rest in Peace Sweet Boy

2007-10-31T08:30:00.000-05:00

Our baby passed on Monday night.

Good bye our constant companion.
Our light and laughter.
The truest joy ever brought into our lives.

You will be missed best friend.

Always..

Longest week ever..

2007-10-26T11:28:00.003-05:00

My absence hasn't been deliberate, it has just been one of those weeks. Besides the stress of my Grandma, our little Nietzsche has fallen ill and has been in critical condition. The vet thinks he has some sort of immune disorder that is also causing jaundice, too much blood clotting, and internal bleeding. He is on IV's and has had one blood transfusion. So far he is doing better. He has perked up a little and seemed excited to see us yesterday. We even got some kisses which he hasn't given us since he has been feeling bad. If you know us, you know we are absolutely crazy about our pets. Please keep him in your prayers if your the praying sort. We can't bear to loose our wonder Chihuahua..

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. ~George F. Will, The Leveling Win

2007-10-23T10:07:00.000-05:00

I found out last night that my Grandmother, whom I am very close too has some suspicious nodules on her lungs. I am praying for the best but bracing for the worst. All I can do right now is wait..

wait.

It doesn't hurt to be optimistic. You can always cry later. ~Lucimar Santos de Lima

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

2007-10-19T09:34:00.000-05:00

It's FRIDAY!!!

My counterpart here at work just went in to have a hysterectomy so..

I will be here all my lonesome doing both jobs. I'm not gripping here. I am glad she went in because I am tired of ~~her constant whining~~ her being in pain.

Ok low blow, but hey.. I said it too her face.

I swear to God I did.. God, I love Donny Baker!

Made a deposit @ the casino last night. Riding with father in law is an adventure in of itself. Lost my shirt (metaphorically speaking), but the father-in-law had pity on me and gave me back the $400.00 bucks I fed the beast.

I iz a poker jean-yus I tell ya!

It sez feed me and I ooohblige!

That's about all I got folks. All I want to know is- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

If you can answer me that, you get a free ride on the magic dragon.

The Mommy Ring

2007-10-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

This is the ring I got my Mom for her birthday. I learned alot about how life can change, and how strong the Mother-daughter relationship can be despite 30 years of separation. My Mom had her share of demons and had to break her cycle of abusive men and drugs. She's paid her dues and now is such a remarkable women. This summer taught me that it's never too late if you're willing to work on it. I found that she and I are kindred spirits of a sort because we are almost identical in our ways of doing things. None of it learned, but innate. Neither miles nor years have taken that away. The women I was so hard on for so many years is actually a big part of me and who I am. I am glad I found out how much I love and cherish her before it was too late.

Thank you Mom. I love you.

2007-10-16T15:42:00.000-05:00

I love you Mommy!

Weekends

2007-10-15T11:09:00.000-05:00

Aaaah.. weekends.

Saturday in bed again. All day. Fingers swollen, body aching, down and out lupus stuff. Feeling sorry for myself. Almost went the whole day without smoking though. Then I realized I hadn't smoked all day and had to run outside to remedy it. Same for food. I won't be a bit hungry and then I realize there is cake and I have to run to the kitchen to remedy that too. Ain't OCD a bitch? It's like I can't shake it out of my mind until I eat or smoke. Then the guilt sets in. And around and round we go. Merry-go-round emotions.. You can give Mac your condolences here.

Sunday- I can't stop moving. Now it's time to catch up on all the crap I didn't do on Saturday. I finally got all my really summery shit out of my closet and boxed and hang up all my new purchases. Another lovely side effect of bi-polar. Spending money. Anyhoo.. Mac even remarked that he had forgotten what my couch looked like.

Ouch.

I then made chocolate mousse from scratch, banana bread and a pesto pasta dish I concocted. Gotten fatten them all up for the slaughter.

Oops. i said that out loud. I just keep telling the kids that the alter is for all Mommies pretties. They aren't entirely convinced daggers and cauldrons are pretty though.

So that's about the pace with me. Dead to the world or shimming around like a caffeinated ferret.

Peace to ya Mother's.

If I had balls they would feel like this.

2007-10-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

It's been one of those weeks folks. I've managed to burn my forearm on the oven door, bite the same spot inside my cheek several dozen times and kick my own shin. Captain Klutz has nothing on me.

I will get around to reading all your wonderful blogs REAL soon!

AND... Happy Happy HAPPY Birthday to Pookie

and Buckaroo Banzai!

You guys ROCK...Love you crazy kids!

This is Wrong on so many levels..

2007-10-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

Does hobbling count as child abuse?

2007-10-08T10:32:00.000-05:00

Well let's just say it was humbling weekend. I learned alot about my role as a parent and teacher. I feel as if I've failed and therefore set in motion actions that never should have occurred. This is how the story goes-

Thursday afternoon. My son and his friend Jacob skate down to an apartment belonging to another little boy at their school. The rumor is, the boy and his friend were being the heavies of another boy who got beat up by the boy in the apartment. Idiots retaliate.
So, they skate over to these apartments and knock on the door. The boy answers and let's Jacob in, but not my son. Apparently they taunt him to the point that he beats on the door with his skateboard causing the actual door the split and then he breaks the kitchen window and enters the apartment.

Can you say Breaking and Entering?!

Then he fights the boy in the apartment. They slug it out awhile and then he and Jacob take of skating with the parents cigars to smoke. The best part is I get to pay all the damages..

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

Where did I go wrong? My son has always been such a mild mannered and caring little boy. This caught me so off guard I don't know what to think. I know kids are mischievous but WTF! The punishment I hope will last with him for years, but I doubt it. Besides being our little slave and loosing all modern privileges I think some public humiliation might be in order.

I like to break into

peoples houses because

I want to go to the penitentiary

Just imagine holding that sign on the busiest corner in town. Too harsh? I really don't think so..
Ideas anyone?

I'm a Tarot retard.

2007-10-04T09:07:00.000-05:00

I decided awhile back that I really didn't have enough to do with my job, being a mother, getting to the gym sporatically and blogging that I would learn how to read tarot cards.. I iz a jeen-yus.
So, I went to the book store, bought the cards etc.. The really medieval ones that even the most seasoned pagan couldn't read. The antiquated language leaves me..well feeling stupid to say the least. I think I am doing so good. I seem to be ~~out of my fucking mind~~ understanding each card in my Celtic Cross formation and THEN I get to 9th card meant to represent inner hopes, hidden emotions, fears etc.. and I get the 5 of Wands.

5 0f Wands Definition- Petty arguements between groups of people. A sham of a fight. A squabble. Yet of course many different cards have many different meanings.
*Ok so, I either hope groups of people fight, or I fear a sham squabble.*

Oh.Em.Eff.BeGeeNess.. I suck at this. What kind of Pagan am I? Definetly the kind that won't get invited to the next Hot Wicca Mama's Bake Sale, I can assure you.

Too top it off, the 10th card meant to represent the final results (Sum total of all other cards) is the Fool.

The Fool Definition- Innocence, Blinded by ignorance, the novice.
*Well no shit Sherlock. I wouldn't have bought the damn book if I thought I could master this today. So apparently this is some big cosmic ha- ha. Lesson learned.

Or Not. I'm already shopping for my next deck of cards. The really pretty ones. And the Idiot's Guide.

When I need a laugh..

2007-10-03T11:09:00.001-05:00

This picture always does it!!

Or this one :)

You see Mac always gets the raw deal here.

Seasonal Cooties

2007-10-01T08:12:00.000-05:00

Sorry guys if my posts have been sporatic and lacking any real reason. I've had this ~~I can't fucking breathe~~ chest cold. I sit here looking at the computer and absolutely nothing comes to me. I'll spare you the details of hacking up my left lung or what color it was, and just say I am here in spirit.

In other news, apparently the Filipinos can use their cell phones as virtual wallets. If a phone were to replace my purse right now, it would weigh 50lbs. God knows I might need that $30.00 in change I carry in the bottom. What if I found myself in a really expensive pay toilet or ~~pay a hooker~~ I decided to ride the bus. Is that fancy shmancy little phone gonna pay a taxi driver? I think not. I'm not sure I trust this technology enough to give it my money. With my luck I would accidently text my money to Aljazeer.net and get arrested for siding with terrorists. No thank you. I take alot of comfort knowing I could live out of my purse for several days. My phone and I, well we're just not that close yet.

Idiots..

2007-09-28T10:38:00.000-05:00

Sent to me by my friend Kelley. This is apparently what her husband does for fun now. Mind you the little lesbian "L" volunteered to be tasered at 250,000 volts.

mY fAvoRite HOlidAy

2007-09-26T08:53:00.000-05:00

It's almost Halloween again!! Time to break out the cobwebs and Mr. Bones, my handy dandy skeletal man.
Muahahaha.. (diabolical laughter)
I have always loved this holiday! I can literally scare the piss out of little children and not get in trouble. How could it get any better? Of course our house becomes very macabre during this time of year. I go batshit overboard with it until the neighbors start eyeballing us as "those satan worshipers". Maybe it's because our next door neighbor is the only other family who decorates for the holiday, (if an inflatable the Winnie the Pooh holding a pumpkin counts as "decorating").
Does making little children cry make me feel exilerated?
Ummm..Duh
It's even funner than stealing their candy or stepping on their untied shoe laces.
..Of course I'll babysit your kids ;o

Whaaat?

Old Folks Test

2007-09-25T14:19:00.000-05:00

"It's that time of year to take your Annual Senior Citizen test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack-dab in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . "Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop NOW! If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales... In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on... In Swindon, two people get off and four get on... In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on... In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on... In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on... You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: "Oh, for crying out loud!"
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions

hAppy frYday

2007-09-21T15:49:00.001-05:00

Have a great weekend all and watch out for puppies who try and sit on your head.

More dreams..

2007-09-19T14:49:00.000-05:00

Another installment of the weirdness that is my dreams. This one was so surreal, I put it into a poem of sorts. Really the only way i could translate it.

Ab Inito Ad Fundum
(From the Beginning to the End)

She comes to me softly
I no longer tremble
The light dances in pools
of irradecent shades
reflecting in her guileless eyes
Blue eyes..
Unlike any other
The eyes of angels
only seen by chosen ones
She bends to lay her hand
upon a wayward butterfly
whose wings dangle stolidly

She breaths new life
her mere touch
There to mend all wounds

She is there in battle
Easing the suffering in fallen soldiers
The battle between two worlds
of good and evil
fought tirelessly beyondour realm
You never forget those eyes..

At once you step inside
inside her warmth
inside..
The light is overwhelming
She is nirvana
Transcendent..

I no longer hear clashing of swords
I am safe
Her blanket envelopes you
I melt in oblivion

Alas, you cannot stay here she says
You must finish your task
Do not grow weary
The end draws near precious one
The horseman will carry you home
when your time is done

I am returned to my place
on the field
the unwordly plain
The sword pierces my heart
the cold draws in

I hear them..
closer

Don't be afraid she whispers softly
a caelo usque ad centrum
from the sky to the center..
you have fought well
acta sanctorum
you have fought well..

stiffled

2007-09-17T09:26:00.000-05:00

stiffled by time
stiffled at birth
lost in transit
stumbling into oblivion
.
unearthed love
dug from the ruins
of empty bottles
and the bottom of that fifth
.
mind numbing drugs
the glamorous end
wide steps
towards loosing another tomorrow
.
it looms there
three more taps on the snooze
the clock escapes
through newly opened windows
.
tick tock
tick tock
find it there
on the lawn
purposely placed amongst greenery vines
wrapped around the hearts of
the darker ones
.
black is the shade
my shade
at the end of the tunnel
forgot to refill those bottles again
they're cursed
because they hold nothing for me.
.
empty like the head
of those who write this account
or hidden by children
whilest we doze peacefully there
.
the time has come
to chose another way
stop being the reason they stay away
the bad example
.
what was once stiffled
confused by life
is taking back
our place amongst the living

Movie Smoovies

2007-09-14T08:58:00.000-05:00

Snagged from the lovely Ellen Aim. So true, so true..

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.
You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.

Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

It's Fair Night!

2007-09-13T10:27:00.000-05:00

Yep. Ginormous turkey legs, funnel cakes and Carnies! How flippin' sweet does it sound?

I can stuff myself to maximum density, buy a new Texas sized belt buckle and pet inbred goats. Sounds like a fun filled evening to me. It takes very little to entertain me really.
Did I mention that I also can spend $50.00 on improperly sewn teddybears? I can barely contain the excitement. I haven't felt this way since I stepped on my own toe with spiked heals.

As pathetic as all this is, I figure hey, at least it's something to get out of my couch loving, potato chip eating rut I fondly call life. Nothing like tripping through crowds of morbidly obese budweiser fans and mowing over small children to get on the Barney rollercoaster first to get the blood pumping through these hardened arteries.

Who knows, next week I might actually take my also morbidly obese pooches on a walk.
I said maybe..

'Ello Maties..

2007-09-12T11:40:00.000-05:00

Been bit busy lately. You know with work and all. Apparently I have ~~fucked off too much~~ haven't been as diligent as I should have. Now, I actually have to do something.

OOOhh Poopy :(

Anyhoo..

This is my new walking about outfit. I think it might be an appropriate dinner outfit when we take the kiddies to Red Lobster..

Just kidding.. It's just the lovely Britney showing her ass yet again.

Awe Odessa..

2007-09-10T09:40:00.000-05:00

Land of pumpjacks, drilling rigs and Permian Football, rednecks, Dubya and This.

Oh we should be so proud. I wake each and every morning with glee in my heart and a hop in my step with the certain knowledge, everyone in the U.S.A. thinks we are all inbred mutant baboons. Although I am sure there are a fair share of those lacking certain chromosomes, I am embarrassed that the only stories that make the news are wife beaters who shoot cops and the permian ~~douchbags~~ panthers won friday night football.

There are a few of us who actually lead lives that don't revolve around the machismo that is this God forsaken town. Unfortunatly we're few and far between, so making conversation in hellish Walmart lines can be a tad tedious. I have learned that there are people who can kill me by "throwing fingers at my heart", retarded individuals who have won millions in high stakes poker in Vegas, and little old ladies who's husbands like them to dance naked..
I am apparently either a weirdo magnet or the mass majority of our population here is completely insane. Either isn't a real comforting thought...

HOOT

2007-09-05T17:31:00.000-05:00

I'm here, just had a molar extracted and it seems the infection is in my jaw. So, the standard course of anti- biotics and all that jazz is in order..
Just to let you know, I'm not ignoring you all. I will catch up with reading all the blogs asap.
Thank you all so friggin much for the encouraging words. You guys ROCK!!

:)

Late night postings of a bi-polar lunatic

2007-09-03T00:20:00.000-05:00

If the posts have been strange, I am sorry. My writing inspiration was sucked out my by the newest round of drugs to control the only thing i know all too well.

My Psychosis. Yep, I said it aloud.
The little voices within that spring creative.
The doc thinks it's a bad thing.
Here's some pills.
Take these and call me in the morning.
He doesn't understand that when he stiffles the inside noise, also he stiffles a big part of me.
The part that dreams in poetry, laughs too loud at it's own self and makes sense to the one person who conceives it.

I am very private about this fact, but tonight since I can't sleep despite enough pills to tranquilize a horse, I figured hey what the hell.
It's not like I can see you pointing and laughing.
Kidding.. you all seem like decent folk.

I started blogging to find a place to open up myself.
To see if I had it in me to come out of the cocoon I shroud myself in.
There is a good reason I started the web, but it is time to stop hibernating.

I just hope to hell these are temporary side effects...

The Montrocity has Left the Building

2007-08-31T14:22:00.000-05:00

This is a piece of equipment we manufactured in our little corner of the oilfield. It has been a headache because for some unknown reason it refused to come together and work properly. It has been a stressful ordeal, to the point, I sleep on the job and throw up in my own lap. (Long story...)

At any rate it is done, it is gone. Good riddance Goddamned Accumulator!

It's Friday...let's party. Or if you're me, we take a nap.

Have a wonderful weekend all!! :)

A Brief Look at Today.

2007-08-30T15:12:00.000-05:00

Just an example of what NOT to get caught doing at work.

Insert title here.

2007-08-30T08:49:00.000-05:00

Warning.. If you have a weak stomach, disregard this post!

Not much going on here kiddies. The soreness has gone away pretty much. My douchebag doctor finally gave me some real pain meds. If I had known all I had to do was squeeze his nuts in a vice grip, I would have done it alot sooner.

Speaking of nuts, Just for all AL I found something he would really like- Enjoy
If you liked that, then you will really Dig This

Wow, this blog has really been taking a raunchy turn for the worse.

Blame it on the Rain

Peace out my minions..

In all the Britney excitement

2007-08-28T15:41:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention, Boo and I are going to the gym. There has been some ~~extreme fucking agony~~ slight discomfort from working out for an hour straight. I am indeed a stupid ass. Just jump right in there and go full speed ahead. I have never learned to pace myself. This seems to be the M.O. I have adopted in life. Besides being an O.C.D. nightmare at time, I feel I must add injury to it, to make me such a ~~pissy little puta~~ slightly disagreeable person. This hasn't gone unnoticed in my household. We will of course head back to the ~~sadistic hell place~~ gym tonight.You can send your sympathies over Macguff's way. I am sure he could use the encouragement.

And apparently

there are nude gyms.

Ummm...no

Rants of Late

2007-08-27T09:12:00.000-05:00

I have lost all respect I might have had for Allure Magazine when I received Sept. issue. To my dismay, they have chosen to feature the dingy Poptart herself, Ms. Britney Spears. On the cover no less…

Why does this bother me you ask? If you don’t care, too bad I will tell you anyways. Allure is like my Holy Grail for all things beautiful. Everything I have learned in life, I learned from this magazine. How to apply eyeliner to my eyebrows, when to wax my ~~pootie poo~~ lip and how to lose 25 lbs. by standing on your head. Ok, I made the last one up, but you know what I mean. Then bam, out of nowhere I have to look at the teen pop princess turned twat exposer in my bible of perfume samples. This will not go unnoticed Allure Magazine. Just please don’t cancel my subscription. I am dying to find out if the fatties have lost more weight..

I was sickened to read the photographers ~~ass kissing~~ praises of this one.
“In many photographs you see of her she seems to be an unwilling participant.” But she voluntarily posed for Allures September cover, shot by Michael Thompson in Santa Monica on April the 25th.
Give me a break! I have seen the girl’s twat more times than I care to admit. She seems very unwilling to wear panties is the real problem. The poor thing doesn’t get enough attention, so then she subjects us the vagina that the ate the Titanic. Come on Britney, have some self respect. At least get Larry Flynt to pay you to show off your shit.

In this photo- “I wanted to capture the free spirit Britney so I photographed her on the floor and let her do what she wanted”.
He is brave man, because she could have broke out the 12 incher and went to town and I am not talking about her handbag. “The singer chose to pose topless”, he also added.
He almost sounded surprised…

Britney of course had to add her two cents. “Everyone thinks of you as not human when you are 18 years old”. Well duh, join the rest of society. She went on, and this was the clencher-“I just want to be a normal girl” (what like Springer material, because your doing a bang up job) “I don’t want to be a role model, except maybe to my little sister”. Ok look you stupid cunt, you ARE a role model because you are famous for singing really bad songs that appeal to 12 year olds. And you ARE a role model because you choose to do outrageous acts of sheer idiocracy in public with your other slutty friends. And for Bejebuses sake, you ARE a role for your children. Won’t they get a pleasant surprise when they get old enough to archive their mother’s photos and get more than they bargained for. Grow the fuck up you stupid, stupid redneck trash. And that’s all I have to say about that. I have to work now. I have a real job!

A Lesson in Skateboarding

2007-08-23T20:29:00.000-05:00

Featuring the fruit of my loins-

and typical Me attitude.

So I got my R-E-S-E

2007-08-23T08:27:00.000-05:00

With a little P-C-T yesterday. I called Larry up myself and told him I didn't appreciate the manner in which he spoke to me and if he needed to verify anything he needed to speak to the owner of the company and not one of my peers. I explained that he had no right doing that and if it happened again I would go to the head of the back and have a little conversation about the lacky's he is employing.

Poor guy couldn't back peddle fast enough.

I am expecting my fruit basket shortly.

HA!

I Get No Respect

2007-08-21T14:16:00.000-05:00

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take out
T-C-P
A little respect.....

This is what I didn't get from the Vice Dickhead at our company bank. I have been dealing with all the finances for 5 years now. I have dealt with him on a regular basis all this time and now the asshole calls the office manager who is my sister- in- law and also the owner's daughter. I am the just the daughter- in -law of the owner so I don't rate.

ANYHOO... This douche calls this morning because he didn't think my paycheck was legitimate. I answered the phone and... this is what I got-

Larry(dickhead)- Put Tammy on the phone.
Me- She is on the other line, can I help you?
Larry-I doubt it.
Me- Ok
Larry- It is a private matter about the checks.
Me- Well I am the financial manager, I can help you.

(You see folks, I am the ONLY one who can access our bank information on line.)

Larry- Just put Tammy on the line
Me- Whatever Larry- (yes,I have an attitude) Macguffin knows this well :)

So after the conversation, I find out it was my checks in question. As if I haven't ever received a check here before. As if the same fucking checks haven't come through their system for 6 damn years!!!! That is 52 fucking checks a year!
So NOW apparently I steal the money.
Fuck a bunch of him...

I want to shove a q-tip in his eye.

Can't get it together today.

2007-08-20T14:24:00.001-05:00

My brain is temporarily out of service. See you all tomorrow..

Because it's Friday, I'm lazy and This Cracked me Up!

2007-08-17T15:13:00.001-05:00

I am Not Worthy!!

2007-08-16T10:32:00.000-05:00

Pauline has bestowed on me this fantastic award! I can't express how super sweet and smart this lady is. She is a real gem in the blogging world.. Thank you so much! :}

These are my pics for this award. The true talent and where I draw constant inspiration-

1. Al- He always has something clever to allow and never fails to add a new perspective to the comment box. Or maybe I am jealous because he can walk up mountains for 12 hours and my only skill is cultivating my booger farm.

2. Pookie- She is "Out of Pocket Currently" but will be back soon I hope. She is definetly an ispiration. I can only say that this lady is a true joy to know. I lub her toooo much!

3. Etain- Through all her struggles she tries so hard. If she gets knocked down, she comes right back again! Tough little cake monkey this one is! :)

4. Silverneurotic- Her life is crazy, but she never fails to amuse me. A very sweet lady indeed.

5. Big Pissy- Always a new adventure with her. The busiest beaver of them all. I am inspired by her weight loss (bitch), and her fabulous good looks. (Trout) A truly gifted lady!! :)

I Spent My Lunch Hour at the Cellular Store..

2007-08-15T13:19:00.000-05:00

Because I sent my phone fishing for toilet trout..

Modern Day Chiropractic or Are We Still in the Dark Fucking Ages??!

2007-08-14T10:56:00.000-05:00

This is my newest bruise. The picture is grainy because I took it on my cell phone. I didn't want to give you too much detail..

Anyhoo... I got this from a hip adjustment yesterday. My hip actually does feel alot better, but this spot hurts like hell! I am not here to whine, I just am amazed that with today's modern medicine that practices like this are still used. I just wish there were an easier way.

In 1895 Daniel David Palmer began using chiropractic procedures to relieve patients ailments. Although these practices often work, it can still be an uphill battle to feel better.

Sometimes, I just wonder if I am wasting my time and money to ease the symptoms of a much larger problem that cannot be fixed.

I am beginning to feel like a Guinea Pig. I would like to ask you all how you feel about Chiropractors, since there has been so much debate about mine.

It seems brutal, but I have received a little relief and he is widely known in being able to treat patients without surgery, which I feel is a really good thing.

So what do you all think about this. I am always up for some feedback?...

My Simpsonized Self at Work

2007-08-13T16:29:00.000-05:00

Halleluhua!!! Monday is all most over!!!

I couldn't be more thrilled.

The Zoo Pics

2007-08-12T10:48:00.001-05:00

The was the cutest little zoo. The animals were so close it was eerie. Actually the first zoo I have been to in which the animals seemed very content to be here.

Evening Redemption

2007-08-10T10:21:00.000-05:00

she wasn't taking it
anymore
hopping into his beloved auto

her mess of insignificant
being
the valium on the headboard

the winding roads and
twisted threads
of a wasted life

it was evening redemption
for her cause

last nights bottle
rolling under her feet
stifled by
her almost life

blazing down the lonely road
lost in her own place
her world of want
never getting her need

eyes ablaze as the bridge
comes into sight

twisted metal
chard's of cement floating by
the water draws closer
like blue and green
heaven

the bastard
poor abusive bastard
meaningless waste of flesh
sleeping in his beloved
chair.

asphyxiating on this mornings
cocktail
and the gas streaming
out of the oven

IDaHo dAy tWo

2007-08-09T12:06:00.000-05:00

The second day we went to this fabulous skate park.

We packed up a picnic lunch and just sat out under the trees, breathing in some clean air.

Grandma watched nervously everytime he came down the ramp. I had to hold her back when he fell. We had to keep our distance as not to-

"MOTHER" him to death. But don't worry, I managed to get some "my little babies" in on him, in front of the cool kids.

She came to see Sk8ter Boi's, or some shit like that.

She's a big walking hormone anyways.

She has no feelings..

At sunset we went to the snake river so I could get in some more camera time. This is the Mormon Temple. Very cool building I thought.

The falls on the Snake River. This river has giant turbines under it to produce electricity for the city of Idaho Falls. You really shouldn't swim here :)

The Boy really loved it here. But who wouldn't?

I was tempted to push, but they haven't finished my laundry yet.

This is the tower over the city Electric plant. My grandpa worked in the main building (Under the River) Yikes! monitering the turbines. He retired from there a few years ago. I can tell you as a child walking UNDER the river was hairy scary..

No Time!!

2007-08-08T08:28:00.000-05:00

AAAAAAAHH!!!!

Sorry guys, I haven't been to great at keeping up with posts. I have many more pictures and stories to relay, just haven't had the time.
Bare with me all, I am catching up. I will finish getting my pictures loaded on the computer tonight.

Why do kids find it necessary to go back to school looking all slick and shit?
Why do they think it is my duty to feed them?
Do kids really need NEW paper to write on?
Is the pen I found in the alley NOT good enough?
and why must at least one or all the children in my house be in the bathroom when I am on the can?
Maybe I traumatized them with all the gay transgendered midget porn, I kept in their dressers..

Idah0 ARrival day oNe

2007-08-06T08:57:00.000-05:00

The boy was very excited about his first airplane ride. So excited in fact, he shoved this lid in his mouth. He was all smiles until he realized that it was stuck. After 30 minutes of tugging, stretching and drooling profusely it did come out.
Being the caring mother that I am, I sat back and watched the show.

Yep, them kids is stoopid sumtimes.

Boo is muy happy to be on the ground again.

This how I make an entrance. You should see the looks I get at Target.

This is the reason Boo and I rarely take pictures together. Madness always ensues.

This is Belle. My mom rescued her from the pug rescue group. She was kept in a small breeding cage for the first part of her life and then with big dogs who chewed off her tail and one of her toes. She is the sweetest little thing and has this "issue" with said tail. She spins around trying to grab the nub and then just sits and stares at it for awhile. She also can't run a straight line. She only runs in circles. She is so happy to have a forever home and my mama spoils her rotten. I am happy they have each other now.

My Grandpa Bud. He is such a great guy. My boy took to him like white on rice. It warmed my little heart to see them bonding :)

Grandma is the bestest cook in the whole world. She helped me find those 7 pounds I thought I had lost.

Mom, me and Boo. I look like an insane turtle here! I also realized Boo could easily kick my ass these days.
All pictures taken at my mom's house.

Post is Coming..

2007-08-05T18:15:00.001-05:00

I look as if I could chew nails with those massive jaws.

Still going through photos and due to massive migraine didn't get very far this weekend. Damn it all to hell!!!

Bleh...Poopiness.

Bound and Tagged

2007-07-31T22:35:00.000-05:00

tagged by al, here's a little bit about yours truly~

1. What's your signature dish when cooking?

i am not sure if i have a signature dish. i can cook fairly well, but it's mostly italian pasta dishes. i always change them up though because i never follow recipes. i think my chicken marsala is pretty good

2. If you had a time machine, but only the ability to jump forward or back 5 times, where would you go in time and why?

this is hard. personally i would go back to the 80's and fix my damn hair.
politically, the viet-nam era would be interesting to see. i would be down there on the line protesting and getting locked up. or maybe the 30's or 40's in the dawn of "talkies" when movies meant something. i would say a futuristic adventure, but i am scared of what i might see there.

3. What's the most attractive feature, physical or otherwise in a person?

looks haven't really ever mattered to me. i like kind eyes, a nice smile and a wicked sense of humor.

4. When at high school, what did you want to be when you grew up?

i have always wanted to be a nurse. i like to help people. instead i became a desk jockey. life is ironic.

5. Where in the world are your 5 all time favourite places and what makes them so special?

there is a little pond in arizona that reminds me of a mythical forest. i absolutely feel at peace there.
the places i really want to see though are all in europe. the states seem pretty dead to me.

for this one i am tagging jay, pauline, what a crock, captain corky and etain. here's your 5! ~

1. Where do you picture yourself in 5 years and why?-
2. What is your favorite memory of childhood?-
3. If you could choose your parents, would you change?-
4. Do you think we just exist or do we have a specific purpose?-
5. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?-

Potatoes and Mormons

2007-07-31T03:12:00.000-05:00

Yes, there alot of them here. Not that I have a problem with potatoes or freakishly smiling people eager to help you see your evil ways.

speaking of, i need some coffee

i in fact am having a wonderful time with my family. we have gone to see the sites and caught up with old times. even grandma seems more chipper with the bestest grand daughter around. it's been a blur of activities and insane antiquing.

i make it insane by gawd!!

i will be home soon, so all 7 of you can get ready for that. i will fill you all in later on details and pictures. and remember- grandma always said there was a reason women shouldn't eat too many onions.

I've learned my lesson..

Boredom Sets In When It Storms All Weekend Long...

2007-07-23T08:16:00.000-05:00

Stoopid rain, I could be sunbathing...

Sadie gives me kisses

Just a "Dog Bed" to them

Photos by Macguffin

Relics

2007-07-19T14:10:00.000-05:00

She was all things mysterious and beautiful

Brownies

1st Poloroid made

This one reminds me of a spy camera

1900's accordian style

These are a few of the cameras I have picked up during our travels. They remind me of simpler times. I often wonder who had them, where they have been and what memories they've captured..

2007-07-18T09:36:00.000-05:00

Thank you Top Cat, a wonderful blogger who always makes you smile, has a kind word and tolerates us weirdos with finesse. You are a great blogger!!

I would like to nominate~
1. Macguffin. New to writing his own blog, but he does a great job. He has such style and taste. You deserve much more my love and best friend.

2.Pookie. She gets busy and says she struggles to keep up her blog, but I don't believe it. She always has something witty to say and makes me laugh so hard I pee a little. I miss ya girly ;)

3. What a Crock. What can I say about this girl. Through all the struggles in life she maintains her composure and always comes up swinging. You have a killer wit Mon Chi Chi and your friggin Hawt!

4. Cathy. This lady can spin a chilling tale in 55 words. I am in awe of her. Thank you for letting me be a part of it.

5.Jay. What can I say... you always make me laugh so hard, well I pee a little. You see a pattern here? Such sarcastic wit and he gets the best hatemail!!! You have the gift my friend.

6. Eric313. This man is destined to be famous. His writing is always unique and chilling. I have no idea where he comes up with these poems but his writing is magnificent.

It's Fun to Stay at the........

2007-07-17T14:03:00.000-05:00

Lullaby~ pt.2

2007-07-16T13:46:00.000-05:00

She looked like an angel. These are the only words I can use to describe her. Flowing locks of golden hair, the fairest skin I had ever seen and eyes so blue I thought the sky had swallowed me up. As if I was sitting upon a billowy cloud gazing out upon a beautiful turquoise ocean. Her garbs were long and white.They flowed out in a circular pattern around her.
"You aren't exactly what I pictured" I say, shuffling my foot nervously side to side. I've seen horror movies. People eating mutants always jump out of beings like this.
She says nothing. Instead she motions me to follow her. Standing still I watch her walk away. Not like steps but gliding along as if she were floating. Perhaps she was. Again she motions me to follow her even though she never turned around to see if I were following her or not.
"What the hell", I mutter to myself and run to catch up to her.

We must been walking a good hour. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever see my own bed again. This nightmare seems to have devoured my reality. Maybe there never was a reality and I had just manufactured it in my head? A cold shiver goes up my spine. I shove my hands back into my pockets in a vain attempt to find a bit of warmth.

I was so lost in my thoughts, I nearly ran over the angelic being not realizing she had stopped. Abruptly she grabs my arm with mightily force and pushes me to my knees. I realize I am on the edge of a bank over looking a small pond. The water is remarkably still. It too has that strange opalesque hue to it. I can see my face in blue, green and pink tones.

When she speaks, I nearly jump out of my skin. "Look closely" I hear in a very soothing voice. Like ice cream covered in rich chocolate syrup.If her voice were a delectable treat, that's what it would be. Pointing down at the water, she says again "Look closely into the reflection". What I see is horrific.

This monster I see is hideous. Snarling, vicious hideous creature. It is chewing through the bones of small children. No remorse, no empathy, the underlying end of humanity. I can see this creature has no pity. What I see isn't a clearly animated demonic entity, but of something different. With eyes, I have seen all my life. Every day, every waking moment,a face I have gazed upon every time I've looked into the mirror. Chewing up and spitting out all that dare to glance in it's direction. At that moment in her soft eyes, as if it had hit me with two tons of force. I realized the error of my ways...

Lullaby~

2007-07-13T09:26:00.000-05:00

I started this story in October and never finished it. This is the weekend I will. Procastination be gone! POOF

The rain was cold. It felt like ice coming down in heavy droplets. I am not sure how I got here or why. I sit here under this tree's canopy and wait for the rain to die down. Minutes turn to hours and I sit rocking rythmically back and forth. Above me I hear almost inaudible whispers. They are drawing closer. I 'm too scared to look up. It is getting dark and I seemed to have stepped out of reality. I brace myself because I have an uncanny feeling the other shoe is about to drop. Then quiet.. The rain has stopped. It has formed odd colored puddles around my feet. It has a peculiar odor too. I look off into the distance but a fog has formed clouding the perimeter. I has a strange beauty to it though,even if the trees have strange tenticle looking things. I begin to feel my way out from under this umbrella of trees. Out of the quiet a voice emerges. It hisses and crackles and I jump back. I feel stupid when I realize it is a crow. He is jet black with piercing yellowish green eyes, and why wouldn't he? I have stepped into hell I think to myself. He lands on a branch above my head and "You" he says in a hushed tone. "You are evil" he continues when he see's I am listening. "You will perish this night". He is chuckling too himself now. Oh yeah Ah Ha Ha, I think. "stupid bird" I mutter. " I know you" he says in a very irritated tone now. "You cannot save yourself" he says almost laughing hysterically now. I am still trying to figure it all out when he continues, "Travel to the top of the hill". He stops. I fidget with my ever tightening collar. "Yes" I say, I really want to get this over with. It almost seems as though he smiles. "Throw yourself to the creature who dwells there in the shadows. He laughs again. "She will almost certainly EAT you". His laughter now is a shrill high pitched diabolical laughter that pains my ears. Suddenly he flies straight up and is gone.

I knew I had to get out of here. I just didn't know where? I step out from under the tree timidly. Baby steps, I tell myself summoning what courage I don't have. I tip toe to avoid the opalesque colored puddles left from the down pour, following a path that lead directly into the fog. It has to lead somewhere I think to myself and keep stepping. The terrain is rocky and covered with mossy roots. I loose my footing and the next thing I remember is rolling down a revene. I am unable to grasp anything on the way down. Just as I plunge over the edge I grab a thick root or vine. I keep clawing my way up the slimy pole. I couldn't tell you what was below me. I didn't stick around to find out. I continue to grasp at anything that resembled solid ground, until I could swing my foot up onto the edge and get the hell outta there. I look down wincing at the gurgling, bubbling bog. Damn that was close. A cold shiver overcomes me and my breath is visibly colder now. I am panicked now, I don't mind telling you fine people. My teeth are clattering and I realize it is raining again. I pull the sleeves of my torn and tattered jacket as far over my hands as I can. The rain feels sort of acidic and and burns stightly on my face. I duck under a patch of scrub brush and wait again. This time I realize suddenly that I am not alone. I have indeed come face to face with the creature the bird foretold.

To be continued...

Fuck My Phone (Pushing for the NC17)

2007-07-12T16:26:00.000-05:00

I am an idiot.
Yes, you know this already.
I am running around making all these cute videos of the three other people in my life and of course the real reason for my existence, my dogs. But NO. My Phone Won't Let Me Send A Video With More Than 300k...
So, there goes MY new movie (Rape Phone, The phone that rapes people)Thanks P. Oswalt!

I better learn how to make some 3 second kick ass videos in a hurry because apparently that is all the time I get.

Pardon the vulgarity of this post. I woke up a Sailor this morning.

Amazing Ads of Yester Year

2007-07-11T09:12:00.000-05:00

Eww...

Yes Amazing!!

See healthy ???

So is my Chihuahua

That's my Motto!

Lysol??!! Sweet..

Even Santa knows

Where do I get one of these??

That always works fellas

Have You Ever Wanted a Banana This Bad?

2007-07-10T16:20:00.000-05:00

Did you know we put turtle crack in these bananas?
Click to enlarge and see~

I Knew This Already

2007-07-10T16:18:00.001-05:00

Smurf Name

Your Smurf Name is

Evil Smurf

Get Your Smurf Name at Quizopolis.com

Meme at the Mulberry tree

2007-07-09T08:04:00.000-05:00

1. Every time I say that I am not going to eat ice cream, I eat an entire pint. Then I puke because I am lactose intolerant
2. I can still put my legs behind my head, but I fear snapping one of my legs off now, so I rarely try. I am comforted knowing I still can
3, I have not overcome my fear of jello
4. Every time I see a butterfly, I have to fight the urge to follow it.
5. I hate listening to rap. My daughter subjects me too it. I want to jump out of the car even if I am driving
6. I REALLY hate rap. Just thought I would mention that
7. Hell will freeze over before I like rap
8. YOUR TURN .What do you THINK you know about me?

Since everyone I know has probably already done this, I will leave it up to you. If you haven't knock yourself out

It's A Poem

2007-07-06T09:44:00.000-05:00

a long string of broken promises
a lack luster frame of mind
a sallow empathetic heart
and the void of empty longing
everlasting love is gained and lost
too many hardships befall it
broken pieces of the puzzle
the shattered bathroom mirror
some needed space and solitude
to expel these crazy thoughts
submerse my mind in exultation
bring forth to me the helmsman
to guide me safely home

I wrote this poem a long time ago before I met Macguffin. I rarely wrote anything so I was very surprised to find it after all these years.

Bugs

2007-07-05T08:09:00.000-05:00

Before you say ewww..., shriek and run away enlarge and look closely at the detail on these little guys.
Enlarge them, it's really cool I promise
The one in the middle was so small he could barely seen by the naked eye.
I just thought I would share because they hang out with me nearly everynight.

Love

2007-07-03T10:39:00.000-05:00

"Damn, those mosquitos really ate me up"!

" I got a Mosquito bite last month, but it never itched"

"That's because when it bite you, it realized you weren't really alive"

*snicker*

I feel the love

Skate

2007-07-02T22:34:00.000-05:00

Case in point. This is why you will never see my old decrepit ass on one of these!

Murphy's Law

2007-07-02T10:11:00.000-05:00

If your air conditioner goes out, it will be on Friday afternoon. So we spent the weekend sweating and bitching. I called the heating and air conditioning douchebags this morning to get it will be late this afternoon or tomorrow which translates to Thursday. If the unit is indeed defunct, there is no telling when we will get this fixed.
Why do these things always happen when it is as hot as satan's asshole in your house and cooler outside?
It's rhetorical. Don't give me encouragement.
Maybe this isn't the best time to stop taking my Premarin.

Childhood Gone

2007-06-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

As I lie awake and dream
of simpler times and places.
The grass brushes my cheek
as my head tumbles over feet.
The only things we worried about
were the adventures of tomorrow.
Shall I slay the purple dragon
or find the buried treasure?

Life seemed so full of happiness.
A found pocketwatch
and shiny nickels for my bank.
Bright and colorful bedsheets reborn
as a rainbow tent for wayward fairies.
A sanctuary from the trolls
who chased us through the forest.

A smooth red pebble in my pocket
was the key to the time machine we made.
We fought the indians bravely
as little cowboys on white horses.

Many years have come to past.
Yet the memories flow still freely
through this cluttered mind.

Missing my childhood gone
and wishing I could
live it all again.

Hat!!

2007-06-27T08:49:00.000-05:00

I am getting published! In a real Book!By the International Library of Photography! For this Picture!
I really it was bogus at first, but upon more inspection it looks to be legit. I entered it in an online poetry contest and the next thing you know I get a Congratulations letter. "Out of thousands of pictures we choose your photograph...." Yada, yada.. What the crap! Lil' Ol' Me? Ok stop Breathe.....

Ok, I am better. So, I loose some photos, and gain a publishing. I guess it all evens out in the end :)

What A Dumbass

2007-06-25T09:01:00.000-05:00

I admit it freely, but this weekend I really did a boneheaded thing. I erased most of my pictures..!!

Let me take you back. When I first bought the Nikon, I was using the Picture Project they sent with the camera. It automatically saved the pictures within the program itself. Then I purchased the Microsoft Picture Suite. Little did I know it was saving the pictures to the computer and pulling them up from there as I edited them. It never actually saved them to it's "program per se".
It also pulled all my existing photos of the Picture Project and rendered them useless. The new program won't let me edit, print or transfer any of those without my camera's memory card.
Which of course I reformatted. Yes of course. I reformatted it.
I told Macguffin he could erase all the photos off the computer thinking they were saved in the program. All my vacation photos, nature photos, kids, dogs.... AAAAAA!!!

Yep, Smooth

I have done alot of stupid things. This rates up there with the time I gave my Beagle a whole pack of bubblegum and then had to manually extract a bubblegum brick out of her butt...

I feel sick

I tried dancing to deathmetal once. It hurt

2007-06-22T12:59:00.000-05:00

One of our barstools broke. I am not torn up about this I must confess. They haven't really been my thing. Macguffin bought them when he retired some he have pilfered from his mom's house. They are really modern and retro. I like the style, I just didn't think it suited our house. Macguffin and I differed on this opinion, but I didn't try to completely poo- poo his buy either.
But.... when one became to gimpy to sit on, I wasn't actually heart broken :)
Anyways, I digress. Macguffin decided to buy some new stools that I liked from the potterybarn. He wanted to call his potterybarn card and check his account balance and of course got the automated bitch that doesn't recognize language.
The next thing I know, I hear him yelling "I PUSHED (1) POR FAVOR"!!!!!!
and having a nervous breakdown because this bitch won't give him what he's asking for.
Finally he gets to the right menu and hangs up the phone.
God bless modern technology! We got the stools ordered. YAY!

Boo also had a doctor's appointment today so then I rushed off to do that. While were in the waiting room, I excuse me myself to the restroom. When I come back, I have 3 missed calls. The funny thing is, is they're from What a Crock. So I call her back and she answers first ring. She asks me "Were you at"? "I am in Texas, where are you"?
Puzzled for a second, she then realizes her mistake. "OH, shit. I called the wrong Danielle"...
We laughed and she said well "I guess you can't give me a ride to work"!
Sorry Crocky... I had to give you hell. You know I lub ya! ;*O
Then, I go back to waiting for this damn doctor. We wait 2 hours and finally he calls us back. We wait another 30 minutes in his office. He comes in all smiling, cracking jokes that were not the least bit funny."I haven't had a pretty girl in here for 672 days, hahaha". Bleh...
We ruined his day shortly there after when Boo refused to get a pap smear from him. He got pissy, and huffed off somewhere so that we could vacate his office. What a douche..
I guess he doesn't understand modest 15 year olds. Or maybe there isn't such a thing anymore? Feeling kind of bad for her embarrasment I took her to her favorite chinese restaurant for some killer fried rice.

Boo's fortune of the day- "Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today"

When do you kiss an elephant on the lips any day?
Who makes up this crap?
Well, I am off to work, to stare at my desk. Or perhaps to get some writing done. I am trying to move this block. Perhaps if even a little.

The Princess of Darkness presents"Flowers!!"

2007-06-20T22:11:00.000-05:00

French Hollyhock

"Fly" on French Hollyhock. Can you see him?

Chinese Pistache at sunset

Oleander Buds about to burst

Nandina Buds

Ok see, I actually go around and take pictures of beautiful things. I will spare you the wrist slasher stuff. At least for today.....

But tomorrow, Muahahahaha...---------->(That's diabolical laughter in case you didn't know)
:-O

The Praetorian

2007-06-20T09:53:00.000-05:00

Mother told me I wasn't good
for anything
A cold expression and a chip
holding me down
A putrid maggot ridden waste
of puke
A mercenary of epic proportions
you could say
If worthiness were an accolode
I'd surely fall wayside
I know what your thinking
but it isn't true
This is simply why I
do what I do
Don't count your
blessings yet
i am surely on your
tail
For I am the Praetorian
who shall gaineth all.

Just in case your wondering, I didn't write this about myself. It is actually written about someone from the past that I knew. It kind of sucks, so I am sorry. I am in a bit of a block right now. I just hope it clears up before my turn in the Experiment

Sicky Poo

2007-06-19T09:07:00.000-05:00

I haven't been feeling too well, so I spent the whole weekend in the bed. I actually slept 24 hours straight through. That is my new personal record. I will be reading all your lovely blogs as soon as I can.

I've got's lots a stuff in my head, but ma fingers ain't walking yet. Soon, Very soon...

I just had to add this video. This is Boo aggrevating Sadie and Mac. One of these days we will get Sadie to speak engish.

Meme this you Bastard

2007-06-15T10:28:00.000-05:00

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

(1) What Greg Likes
(2) A Blog of a Good Time
(3) Wine When Drunk From a Mug
(4) Dear Bastards...
(5) Random Bullarcky

Select five people to tag:
1)Etain
2)Pookie
3)Topcat
4)Big Pissy
5)Jay

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Having the worst time of my life.

Five snacks you enjoy:

1) Popcorn. Seriously the perfect food. Well except for the aftermath they leave in your gums
2) Lay's potato chips. Straight up
3) Those sweet and salty granola bars
4) Fruit?
5) I'm really not a snacker so this is hard for me to do. I am more of a full meal eater

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:

1) Muscle Museum- Muse
2) Do Me a Favour- Artic Monkeys
3) Lounge Act- Nirvana
4) Polly- Nirvana
5) Fine Again- Seether

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1) Quit my job
2) Go back to school
3) Send my kids to the best colleges
4) Move out of Texas
5) Travel more

Five things you like doing:

1) Writing anything
2) Taking pictures
3) Watching movies
4) Sleeping (Watching Pundits flap their gums all night with Macguff)
5) Sleeping or (hitting myself with a tube sock full of lollipops)

Five things you would never wear again:

1) Shirts too big and my pants too tight
2) High rise jeans
3) Platform boots
4) My hooters outfit JK
5) A tube top

Five favorite toys:

1) Sadie
2) Mac
3) Lacy
4) Nietzsche
5) The Elmo's

Ode to Adult Diapers

2007-06-14T13:34:00.000-05:00

My baby sister dared me to write at least a 9 line verse about adult diapers. Apparently she is bored at the hospital today and wanted me to enlighten her with my skills.. Yeah right
Ok, It is a silly but I am up for it :)

Adult diapers are fun
Adult diapers are keen
I can sit here at my desk
and pee, pee, pee

Never lift a finger
Never lift a toe
Just sit here at my post
and let the river flow

Call me a little lazy
Call me what you will
If the sagging don't get ya
I bet the stinking will ;)

*Yuck Yuck*

Anxiety

2007-06-13T10:33:00.000-05:00

I have alot of it. Awake at night gasping for air, heart pounding, sweating. Oh sweet anxiety. I am anxious now because I haven't taken any new pictures in a few days, as if that is the end all, be all of humanity. I haven't been writting as much so I stress over that. The dog looked at me funny. Oh, here we go again...
I actually fell asleep at 5:30 last night. Not A.M., P.M. and I actually stayed there all night.

I was in such a hurry to grow up and now I wish I could go back. Being an adult isn't quite as much fun as I thought it would be.
The anxiety over all these inconsequential things I fear is a mask for the deeper issues at hand....

And By the Way Mom....

2007-06-12T10:50:00.000-05:00

Last night at 10:30 my boy confesses all.

"Mom, you know earlier when my friends were here skating"?
(all 8 of them)

"Yes baby"

"Well, you had a major wedgie"
"I mean your shirt was tucked waaaay into your butt crack"!

NOW he tells me this!

Oh sweet revenge.

He got roped in...

2007-06-11T10:28:00.000-05:00

Just a quick one to let you know, my dear Macguffin is posting pictures of the love of his life, er, I mean his magnificent movie posters. I must say his collection is getting rather impressive. Soon he will charge me admission to view them! Just kidding.... dear.
At any rate, check 'em out and get your daily dose of vintage movie culture! Something we can all use in the days of (Shittheyturnoutandcallmoviesnow)

And, slowly I am adding to the Flickr ------> as seen to your right. Mostly vacation pics and such. I will be posting more as I get off my lazy duff and do it...

More Insight in to My Crazy Dreams

2007-06-08T09:41:00.000-05:00

The sand is blowing with mighty force.
It creeps into every pore and crevice.
This sandy, salty feeling as I dump my shoe.
Bracing against a branch full of thorns as
another gust pushes me backwards.
Squinting at the sun as I wish for...
Clouds, thunder, death, elephant (ha, got you there)
Anything but this.
Lone, desolate isolation as I am banished to
this place.
Deserted land that stretches as far
as the eye can see.
Wiping the sweaty grit from my brow,
I amaze myself and pray;
to a higher power than I to remove
me from this place.
An unforseen force tightens my grip on the
the thorny limb.
The blood drops heavy to the ground.
Wincing, I ask again for rescue
from this desparate lonliness.
Nothing but silence now...
Looking left and right,
I finally look down upon my feet.
My shadow lingers there
puddled around my tattered shoes.
Suddenly it jumps up and grabs me by the neck
forcing me to the ground.

Ok, at this point, I think I woke up. If anyone wants to dream analyze this, be my guest. I have some severly strange dream encounters.

What an adventure and why Pia can go fuck herself..

2007-06-07T10:40:00.000-05:00

I must say 10-12 hours of driving is a little bit different now as I get older. (I know I have alot to go) spare me the when your my age lecture. I am a whiner.

The drive there was really nice. Great weather and lots of pretty mountains and rolling hills. Upon arriving though, my bubble was burst as my dad pulls up at the house with "Pia" the wonder bitch he calls wife.
I could tell she was less than thrilled to see us, but like always, I figured she would warm up as the days progressed. Boy was I wrong.....
My brother arrived a couple hours after I did (with girlfriend Lisa and baby Ariel in tow). He got the same cold shoulder. I tried to make the best of it. When she cooked I offered to help, I did the dishes for her, and the kids set the table. All the things I think a good guest should do. My dad stayed busy up on the roof trying to fix a leak and cut down several branches blocking the driveway. Being the handy helpful guy he is. All should be good right? Ummm..... no.
A day and a half into the visit my dad asks my brother and my son to go shooting the gun with him. Seems harmless as long as my crazy son doesn't try to shoot himself in the face. It's a guys bonding think you know?
Not for "Pia". She flips the hell out. He is screaming and ranting that until dad puts her first and doesn't treat her like a slave then he can get out. A slave? Ok, she offered to cook. We cleaned it up for her, dad fixed the roof so she didn't get rain on her bitchy little head.... She even demanded he leave with her and leave us there to fend for ourselves. After I drive 800 miles and haven't seen him in 6 years.
What it comes down to, I figured is that she is threatened by anyone who even shows my dad the least bit of attention. Yes, insane...
She has worked him night and day for years, kept the money and now wants him to sell his own house so she can have the money. She is now dead to me, except for the nice letter I am writing her to rock her little world.
As I have pointed out before my dad is no angel. Far from it, but he has always done right by her. Always.
I do feel very guilty for past blogs, castrating him. For that dad, I am sorry. You have turned into this docile, sweet older man. It's time I cut you some slack. Ok, I said it. I was wrong about you.
I think she has beaten him down so far, he doesn't have it in himself to fight anymore. Poor guy.
She really knows how to show her ass. Good riddance...

The rest of the trip was good. I got to see lots of people, I hadn't in awhile, catch up on lives and throw a frisbee alot for an insane dog. Ahh...good times.
Thank you for everone who made me feel so welcome, loved and missed dearly. You all make me complete. If it weren't for family and friends, I wouldn't be such a well adjusted loveable creature thatI am today. (Stop laughing)
It is great to be home though. I am tired but it was well worth the journey to learn so much about this big ol' world.

Some Random Photos from the Trip

2007-06-06T20:22:00.000-05:00

Breath taking Valley of Fire (N.M.)

Highly illegal to steal rocks from here. I am not sure how they got in the trunk.Hmmm... Big mystery?

Turquoise Sky (N.M.)

Twin Pines. This is the house I grew up in

My first Teddybear

My dad's best friend "Scout"

Quite possibly the sweetest cat ever (Sweet Pea)

My very own playhouse as a child

Zoey, The Frisbee Dog. "Obsessed" with frisbee wouldn't quite cover it entirely.

I'm Hitting the Highway

2007-05-25T08:26:00.000-05:00

Well Folks, this will be my final post for a week or so. I am heading out to the big AZ to catch up with my family and such. Providing we don't kill each other,(Random axing of the relations has been known to occur) I will be back just as soon as I can. I will miss all you smiling little faces and clever blogedness everyday. You all bring me lots of joy and give me plenty to ponder on each and everyday...

If you need to contact me I will be staying at the accommodations above. (See daily pic).
Toodle's Great Peoples :)

Past Transgretions

2007-05-23T15:25:00.000-05:00

Last night I caught my reflection,
As I past the closet door.
I stopped at once to ponder,
Where all the years have gone.
Just yesterday the kids were small,
And hanging on my side.
Innocent, smiling and so full of life.
Their whole world still in store.
So much time I've wasted,
Not being the person I should.
So many hearts I've injured,
While taming my rampant soul.
Stranglely tormented twisted mind,
Thoughts so out of control.
I've bled myself so many times,
I never knew self worth.
For all this I plead for respite.
Take please my confession,
To keep me here evermore.

The Mole People

2007-05-22T08:31:00.000-05:00

Love lost chain of broken bodies
Too dismayed to care no longer
Their sun was shoved into a corner
Told to dwell there evermore
Their voodoo heart engorged with rapture
Their sickening thoughts of lost adventures
Small cold fingers linger on the door face
Yearning for the warmth of love
Shuffled back to their dark spot
Fragile and pale girl of 4
Catches a small glimpse of yellow bliss
Landing upon her graying cheek
Her small blue eyes glow with fury
As she is herded back into the shadows
Velvet shroud once again contains her heart
Biding her time until the light comes once more