When I need a laugh..

This picture always does it!!

Or this one :)

You see Mac always gets the raw deal here.

Seasonal Cooties

Sorry guys if my posts have been sporatic and lacking any real reason. I've had this I can't fucking breathe chest cold. I sit here looking at the computer and absolutely nothing comes to me. I'll spare you the details of hacking up my left lung or what color it was, and just say I am here in spirit.

In other news, apparently the Filipinos can use their cell phones as virtual wallets. If a phone were to replace my purse right now, it would weigh 50lbs. God knows I might need that $30.00 in change I carry in the bottom. What if I found myself in a really expensive pay toilet or pay a hooker I decided to ride the bus. Is that fancy shmancy little phone gonna pay a taxi driver? I think not. I'm not sure I trust this technology enough to give it my money. With my luck I would accidently text my money to Aljazeer.net and get arrested for siding with terrorists. No thank you. I take alot of comfort knowing I could live out of my purse for several days. My phone and I, well we're just not that close yet.

Idiots..

Sent to me by my friend Kelley. This is apparently what her husband does for fun now. Mind you the little lesbian "L" volunteered to be tasered at 250,000 volts.

mY fAvoRite HOlidAy

It's almost Halloween again!! Time to break out the cobwebs and Mr. Bones, my handy dandy skeletal man.
Muahahaha.. (diabolical laughter)
I have always loved this holiday! I can literally scare the piss out of little children and not get in trouble. How could it get any better? Of course our house becomes very macabre during this time of year. I go batshit overboard with it until the neighbors start eyeballing us as "those satan worshipers". Maybe it's because our next door neighbor is the only other family who decorates for the holiday, (if an inflatable the Winnie the Pooh holding a pumpkin counts as "decorating").
Does making little children cry make me feel exilerated?
Ummm..Duh
It's even funner than stealing their candy or stepping on their untied shoe laces.
..Of course I'll babysit your kids ;o


Whaaat?

Old Folks Test

"It's that time of year to take your Annual Senior Citizen test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?



Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?




Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.




3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?




Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.






4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack-dab in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . "Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?





Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop NOW! If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.





5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales... In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on... In Swindon, two people get off and four get on... In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on... In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on... In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on... You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?





Answer: "Oh, for crying out loud!"
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions

hAppy frYday

Have a great weekend all and watch out for puppies who try and sit on your head.

More dreams..

Another installment of the weirdness that is my dreams. This one was so surreal, I put it into a poem of sorts. Really the only way i could translate it.

Ab Inito Ad Fundum
(From the Beginning to the End)


She comes to me softly
I no longer tremble
The light dances in pools
of irradecent shades
reflecting in her guileless eyes
Blue eyes..
Unlike any other
The eyes of angels
only seen by chosen ones
She bends to lay her hand
upon a wayward butterfly
whose wings dangle stolidly

She breaths new life
her mere touch
There to mend all wounds

She is there in battle
Easing the suffering in fallen soldiers
The battle between two worlds
of good and evil
fought tirelessly beyondour realm
You never forget those eyes..

At once you step inside
inside her warmth
inside..
The light is overwhelming
She is nirvana
Transcendent..

I no longer hear clashing of swords
I am safe
Her blanket envelopes you
I melt in oblivion

Alas, you cannot stay here she says
You must finish your task
Do not grow weary
The end draws near precious one
The horseman will carry you home
when your time is done

I am returned to my place
on the field
the unwordly plain
The sword pierces my heart
the cold draws in

I hear them..
closer

Don't be afraid she whispers softly
a caelo usque ad centrum
from the sky to the center..
you have fought well
acta sanctorum
you have fought well..