Sent to me by my friend Kelley. This is apparently what her husband does for fun now. Mind you the little lesbian "L" volunteered to be tasered at 250,000 volts.
Sep 28, 2007
Sep 26, 2007
It's almost Halloween again!! Time to break out the cobwebs and Mr. Bones, my handy dandy skeletal man.
Muahahaha.. (diabolical laughter)
I have always loved this holiday! I can literally scare the piss out of little children and not get in trouble. How could it get any better? Of course our house becomes very macabre during this time of year. I go batshit overboard with it until the neighbors start eyeballing us as "those satan worshipers". Maybe it's because our next door neighbor is the only other family who decorates for the holiday, (if an inflatable the Winnie the Pooh holding a pumpkin counts as "decorating").
Does making little children cry make me feel exilerated?
It's even funner than stealing their candy or stepping on their untied shoe laces.
..Of course I'll babysit your kids ;o
Sep 25, 2007
"It's that time of year to take your Annual Senior Citizen test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack-dab in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . "Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop NOW! If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales... In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on... In Swindon, two people get off and four get on... In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on... In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on... In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on... You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: "Oh, for crying out loud!"
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions
Sep 21, 2007
Sep 19, 2007
Another installment of the weirdness that is my dreams. This one was so surreal, I put it into a poem of sorts. Really the only way i could translate it.
Ab Inito Ad Fundum
(From the Beginning to the End)
She comes to me softly
I no longer tremble
The light dances in pools
of irradecent shades
reflecting in her guileless eyes
Unlike any other
The eyes of angels
only seen by chosen ones
She bends to lay her hand
upon a wayward butterfly
whose wings dangle stolidly
She breaths new life
her mere touch
There to mend all wounds
She is there in battle
Easing the suffering in fallen soldiers
The battle between two worlds
of good and evil
fought tirelessly beyondour realm
You never forget those eyes..
At once you step inside
inside her warmth
The light is overwhelming
She is nirvana
I no longer hear clashing of swords
I am safe
Her blanket envelopes you
I melt in oblivion
Alas, you cannot stay here she says
You must finish your task
Do not grow weary
The end draws near precious one
The horseman will carry you home
when your time is done
I am returned to my place
on the field
the unwordly plain
The sword pierces my heart
the cold draws in
I hear them..
Don't be afraid she whispers softly
a caelo usque ad centrum
from the sky to the center..
you have fought well
you have fought well..
Sep 17, 2007
stiffled by time
stiffled at birth
lost in transit
stumbling into oblivion
dug from the ruins
of empty bottles
and the bottom of that fifth
mind numbing drugs
the glamorous end
towards loosing another tomorrow
it looms there
three more taps on the snooze
the clock escapes
through newly opened windows
find it there
on the lawn
purposely placed amongst greenery vines
wrapped around the hearts of
the darker ones
black is the shade
at the end of the tunnel
forgot to refill those bottles again
because they hold nothing for me.
empty like the head
of those who write this account
or hidden by children
whilest we doze peacefully there
the time has come
to chose another way
stop being the reason they stay away
the bad example
what was once stiffled
confused by life
is taking back
our place amongst the living
Sep 14, 2007
Snagged from the lovely Ellen Aim. So true, so true..
|The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy|
In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh.
You may end up insane, but you'll have fun on the way to the asylum.
Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho
Sep 13, 2007
Yep. Ginormous turkey legs, funnel cakes and Carnies! How flippin' sweet does it sound?
I can stuff myself to maximum density, buy a new Texas sized belt buckle and pet inbred goats. Sounds like a fun filled evening to me. It takes very little to entertain me really.
Did I mention that I also can spend $50.00 on improperly sewn teddybears? I can barely contain the excitement. I haven't felt this way since I stepped on my own toe with spiked heals.
As pathetic as all this is, I figure hey, at least it's something to get out of my couch loving, potato chip eating rut I fondly call life. Nothing like tripping through crowds of morbidly obese budweiser fans and mowing over small children to get on the Barney rollercoaster first to get the blood pumping through these hardened arteries.
Who knows, next week I might actually take my also morbidly obese pooches on a walk.
I said maybe..
Sep 12, 2007
Been bit busy lately. You know with work and all. Apparently I have
fucked off too much haven't been as diligent as I should have. Now, I actually have to do something.
OOOhh Poopy :(
This is my new walking about outfit. I think it might be an appropriate dinner outfit when we take the kiddies to Red Lobster..
Just kidding.. It's just the lovely Britney showing her ass yet again.
Sep 10, 2007
Land of pumpjacks, drilling rigs and Permian Football, rednecks, Dubya and This.
Oh we should be so proud. I wake each and every morning with glee in my heart and a hop in my step with the certain knowledge, everyone in the U.S.A. thinks we are all inbred mutant baboons. Although I am sure there are a fair share of those lacking certain chromosomes, I am embarrassed that the only stories that make the news are wife beaters who shoot cops and the permian
douchbags panthers won friday night football.
There are a few of us who actually lead lives that don't revolve around the machismo that is this God forsaken town. Unfortunatly we're few and far between, so making conversation in hellish Walmart lines can be a tad tedious. I have learned that there are people who can kill me by "throwing fingers at my heart", retarded individuals who have won millions in high stakes poker in Vegas, and little old ladies who's husbands like them to dance naked..
I am apparently either a weirdo magnet or the mass majority of our population here is completely insane. Either isn't a real comforting thought...
Sep 5, 2007
I'm here, just had a molar extracted and it seems the infection is in my jaw. So, the standard course of anti- biotics and all that jazz is in order..
Just to let you know, I'm not ignoring you all. I will catch up with reading all the blogs asap.
Thank you all so friggin much for the encouraging words. You guys ROCK!!
Sep 3, 2007
If the posts have been strange, I am sorry. My writing inspiration was sucked out my by the newest round of drugs to control the only thing i know all too well.
My Psychosis. Yep, I said it aloud.
The little voices within that spring creative.
The doc thinks it's a bad thing.
Here's some pills.
Take these and call me in the morning.
He doesn't understand that when he stiffles the inside noise, also he stiffles a big part of me.
The part that dreams in poetry, laughs too loud at it's own self and makes sense to the one person who conceives it.
I am very private about this fact, but tonight since I can't sleep despite enough pills to tranquilize a horse, I figured hey what the hell.
It's not like I can see you pointing and laughing.
Kidding.. you all seem like decent folk.
I started blogging to find a place to open up myself.
To see if I had it in me to come out of the cocoon I shroud myself in.
There is a good reason I started the web, but it is time to stop hibernating.
I just hope to hell these are temporary side effects...