If the posts have been strange, I am sorry. My writing inspiration was sucked out my by the newest round of drugs to control the only thing i know all too well.
My Psychosis. Yep, I said it aloud.
The little voices within that spring creative.
The doc thinks it's a bad thing.
Here's some pills.
Take these and call me in the morning.
He doesn't understand that when he stiffles the inside noise, also he stiffles a big part of me.
The part that dreams in poetry, laughs too loud at it's own self and makes sense to the one person who conceives it.
I am very private about this fact, but tonight since I can't sleep despite enough pills to tranquilize a horse, I figured hey what the hell.
It's not like I can see you pointing and laughing.
Kidding.. you all seem like decent folk.
I started blogging to find a place to open up myself.
To see if I had it in me to come out of the cocoon I shroud myself in.
There is a good reason I started the web, but it is time to stop hibernating.
I just hope to hell these are temporary side effects...
Sep 3, 2007
Late night postings of a bi-polar lunatic
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19 comments:
You are not crazy.
They fear what we love, they being the ones shoving pills in your hands telling you to cram'em.
They are the ones who need to take a pill.
If you like pills, that's cool. But I was just talking to someone about this very thing you say: that medications may (a strong "may") make some folks feel better, but they also destroy the creative impulse. I'm not saying quit your meds, but I do hope you find a way to let the inner voices onto your page through the haze that doctors try to tell us is actually "well-being".
As I said, "They" need to be on thorazine and be shut up, sometime, for a while, then ask them if they feel "better".
Bravo, you. Truth is what makes the best writing. Tap that truth out, and if any lily-livered doc says otherwise, call it fiction and smile. Fiction is made of many truths, as assimilated in the writers mind.
Keep it up. Peace out, friend.
Thanks for opening up and for your honesty. I hope the side affects don't mess with you for too long.
I think in time you'll be ok. After I quit using tobacco it took me a lot of time to adjust to my new life and writing. I know that sounds a little silly, but I did chew one to two cans a day for over 10 years and smoked for 5 years before that. It was really hard to write without the nicotine in my system. It's gotten easier, but I really feel like part of my creativity is stifled when I'm not high.
Go easy on them pills.
Hello,
I found you through Corky's Blog. Actually, you did have me laughing but not here. I read some of your other entries; you do have interesting way of looking at the world. I hope that things balance out for you soon. Take care.
Eric put it best Blanco. You are a truly talented & gifted individual. You are so special to me & buckaroo, and everyone you touch.
I hope the doctors don't destroy who you are. You are many things and you are also OUR Blanco!! I love you! I'm proud of you!
Doctors. What do they know. They always think that there's a pill for everything. Whatever they're getting the best kick-back or trip to some island somewhere from is the one they think is best.
Every doctor I've ever been to wanted to pump me full of pills. Of course, there's a chance they were right. LOL
Hope the side effect wear off soon.
You'll even out, honey. Just take it one day at a time. Love you.
chicky still LOOOVEEEE you LOOONNNG tome.
I stopped my anti deppresants years ago...for me it was better than having one mood, now I lie at night crying myself too sleep, wishing I knew how too just cope like a normal person.. The fact there is no such thing as a normal person, one needs to do what you can, need to cope the only way one knows how...survival they say.
Your soul is amazing chicky, I saw it all the way here.....just be strong this too will not make any diffrence in the end.....HUGZ HUGZ HUGZ:)
eric- you are right in every aspect. i can't tell i've had them give me a thorazine shot to shut me up. guess they didn't like me threatening the quack doctor at the nut house. this is the worst part of it. i'm either asleep for 20 hours straight or i get no sleep at all. it just leads me to believe they really have no idea how to treat such disorders. if i stop all meds, i become too much to handle. not a pretty site. soon i will level out, i keep telling myself. maybe positive thinking will be my greatest accomplishment.
corky- i understand this too. tobacco is a way of life. without it you feel lost. everyone in my family smokes, but the funny thing is, we have abnormally large lungs, so i rarely get winded. my dad has smoked for 30 years and can still climb a mountain. that fact seems to make it harder to quit. i am glad you found the strength to do it. due to an elective surgery i want to have early next year, i must stop soon myself... i am scared!
ultra toast- indeed, i must learn to do that!
mjd- i am so glad you came by! thank you for your kind words. i find great comfort knowing there are so many kind and caring people out there. i had begun to hate humanity until i started blogging. thanks again! :)
pook- you and buckaroo mean so much to us too! i miss having you guys around so much. i took it for granted when you were here, and now your gone. i have big regrets there. love you guys!
jay- who knows what goes on behind the closed doors of doctors and their drug reps. guess maybe i need to watch "sicko"..
enlighten me Mike!
mac- thank you honey. sorry i have been spending so much time in the bed. you never know what you're waking up too do you?
je t'aime mon bel ange
etain- i know you have your struggles. i admire so much your ability to get back up and keep fighting. you are so strong for such a young person. keep it up petit combattant!
Hang in there kid. Hope things even out soon enough, it was nice seeing you guys this weekend, even under the miserable moving circumstances.
mob- it will be ok. it was nice seeing you too. i hope the moving will be more smooth. if you need help packing anything let me know.
Good for you, being open. Blogging honestly has helped me so much, so I wish the same for you.
Hope your side-effects pass soon too :)
I can't be doing with pills. I write to get the shit out of my system.
Keep well and keep blogging, we loons need each other!
Anything that makes you feel like you are not yourself cannot be too good. Keep on hanging in there!
In the little time I've known you, I've watched you open up blanco and it was a wonderful thing to see.
You need writing and photography for yourself, to release the thoughts and creativity you are experiencing.
I think you are a very creative, talented woman.
YOU are the one in control. If this medication is stifling your creativity and your release mechanisms you will become nothing but a mind numb robot.
Please seek alternative treatment or medication if these symptoms don't subside.
You have every right to live as the creative person you are.
Doctor's WORK FOR YOU.
I'll be thinking about you.
send HUGS
tc
I will Blan, you must too....cause you are amazing...:)
guilty- yes, i think you're right. i feel better letting some of this out. i carry too much in secrecy
cathy- yes we do. thank you lovely lady :)
pauline- you are right. time will tell
cat- thank you cat. i hope all will be right soon. i just need to sit down and make an effort to do more. you are sunshine itself...thank you for all the encouragement. you hang in there yourself.
etain- awe... such a sweet little beautiful lady :)
Good thing they don't put syringes with thorazine in the hands oh people like you and me.
The town bankers would get a poke.
Maybe a lawyer or three would also recieve a stab.
Neighbor's ill behaved children might be seeing twenty hour naptime. As will their white trash moms.
God... What I would do to get a huge syringe filled with thorazine... It's almost scarry.
Take care, and remember, it's all grist for the writing mill. Call it fiction or what you will, just make sure to write it down.
You know something, no bullshit, your blogs enrich my days. I look forward to reading each new post, not just from you but from the tall poster guy your call your husband too.
Are you as mad as a cut snake? Nah.
But are you as sweet as a pea? Huh huh Hell yeah!
=D
Now stop looking at my ass and get outside!
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